A Heavenly Birthday Wish
On March 23, 2019, Jack Louie calmly entered this world. He was perfect. He completed our family and was exactly what our souls needed. He was calm, he was sweet, he was happy. He was everything I had ever dreamed of in a son and more. He had blue eyes that sparkled and a dimpled smile that would melt you into a puddle. Just a few days shy of turning 11 months old, Jack calmly left this world just as he did entering it. Though the emotions are different, both of these moments are ones that I hold close to my heart. Yesterday was Jacks birthday. It was a hard day. There were many tears but we did our best to celebrate and honour him in the only way we knew how: to love, to smile and to make a wish.
We baked and decorated cupcakes, sang happy birthday, lit a candle, played pin the tail on the donkey and musical chairs and ended the day by releasing a balloon outside for Jack to catch and play with in Heaven. We cried, we laughed, we sang, we played, we wept, we mourned, we smiled, we ate, we celebrated. We celebrated our Jack Jack because he deserves it.
Before I went to bed last night, I felt the urge to pick up a book that was gifted to us by our good friend. The book is called ‘Signs: The Secret Language of the Universe’ by Laura Lynne Jackson. Two chapters in and I was given the reassurance and comfort I had longed for since Jack was diagnosed with HLH just seven months ago. Inside was a poem that I remember reading while in the hospital during Jacks treatments. At the time, I sent the poem off to a lady I follow on Instagram who had recently lost her husband. The poem was beautiful then but holds much more meaning now. The poem spoke about how the loss of a loved one is truly not a loss at all. This resonated with me. At Jack’s funeral mass, my sister read a eulogy that I had written. I didn’t have the nerve to read it myself and my sister was Jacks Godmother and loved him as if he was her own, so it felt fitting to have her read it. At the end of the speech, I wrote and asked for everyone not to look at Jacks life as a loss for what we had gained was much more than that. We gained beautiful memories to cherish forever, unconditional love and an angel who is now at peace and in the hands of God.
“ Everything remains exactly as it was. I am I, and you are you, and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged. Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.”
Celebrating Jacks birthday was difficult. It triggered a lot of memories from the day he was born and how perfect our lives were. We were so happy and proud of our family. We dreamt of the future and what it would look like. We imagined the sound of our kids footsteps running around the house, the cute conversations they'd have as toddlers and the arguments they’d have over who’s pizza slice was the biggest and who could run the fastest as they grew older. These dreams will remain dreams. Quite simply, they’re stories that our hearts have made up. They are nor false or true… they are our dreams. Cinderella put it the best,“No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, a dream that you wish will come true.” I sang this song to both of my children before bed though the way I sang it to our daughter was different from our son. For her, the song was about going after her dreams and staying true to herself. For Jack, it was about our hearts grieving over the life we no longer had and holding on to hope that our dreams would still come true.
“No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, a dream that you wish will come true.”
On Jacks birthday, we made cupcakes, sang ‘Happy Birthday’ and blew out a candle. I made a wish. My heart will hold onto that wish. I will keep it close. My wish will help me with my heartache. It’s a wish that will come to me, in my dreams. It’s a wish that will come true.
Happy first birthday Jack. I will see you again. Keep dreaming sweet dreams, sweet boy.
